how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
