So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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