you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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