you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize