I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize