Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
