Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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