I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I look better un-naked...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
