her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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