I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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