i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
