I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
