I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
