Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
