We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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