Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
