i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
