What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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