I love how my cats smell like pot.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
