I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so let's talk penis.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
