Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
