They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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