my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
