Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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