I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize