she smelled like a LAN party
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
