On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
