I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
