Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
