i wish there were pregnant emoticons
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
