I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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