You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
