at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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