Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
