She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
