he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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