I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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