3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
