my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
