Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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