having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
