I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize