the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
