kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
