God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
