Apparently you make a good broom.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
