Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
she smelled like a LAN party
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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