come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
