my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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