How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I will pee on everything he values.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My ass is underappreciated
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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