I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
