dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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