Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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